one is feminism and what it means, and what it means to me. I'm reading a book on it called "the great feminist denial" which is very interesting and is all about the trend of women denying feminism. the biggest stand out comment from it refers to how women say "i'm not a feminist, but..." which is something i used to do. but more on that later. when i finish the book (and re-read certain parts), i will devote a whole blog post to it.
another topic is my newly acquired habit of tripping down memory lane to when i was a teenager juxtaposed with laughing at myself for being old. for example last night i went to see screamfeeder play "kitten licks". that album was released 13 years ago, when i was 16 years old. that's nearly HALF my life ago. So i was looking at the band and thinking that they look exactly the same (older than me), and then looking at the crowd around me, and thinking they looked totally different. which they do. and i do. and it struck me as very funny.
here was a room of late 20- somethings and early-30 somethings and we were bobbing our heads and jumping up and down and being drunk and having a ball watching a band play an old 90's rock album. the image came to my mind of being a teenager and witnessing all these late 20's and early 30's people doing this, and in my vision, i was laughing my arse off at them. i mean really? who didn't? if you saw someone twice you age doing that, or your parents behaving like that you'd think they were nuts and that they'd lost touch and they lived firmly rooted in a nostalgia for their youths. which i guess we all do, even if we don't always realise it.
so anyhow, it was funny.
my third topic is self portraiture. i find taking photos of myself very difficult as i am of the opinion that i am terribly unphotogenic. which i really do think is true. so i am forcing myself to take photos of myself. it is VERY hard to do. and not just because i'm unphotogenic (although that does lead to me taking hundreds to get one good one - really), but also because setting up for it is hard. picking the right camera focus is hard. sitting in the right position in front of the camera is hard. looking at the camera is hard.
you see pictures of people looking at the camera in photos and there's always a feeling of connection. when you're taking photos of yourself how do you find that connection with the camera? it's not like you're looking at a person, you're just looking at a lens. it's like looking in a mirror and not seeing your reflection until much later. it's very disconcerting to try and pretend that you are looking at someone, and to have some emotion besides boy-i'm-an-idiot-for-doing-this-and-i-look-like-one-too.
below is one of the 4 pictures i liked out of my attempt on friday (i was home sick, and yes i was actually sick, and no it isn't swine flu - i think). i haven't really connected very much with the camera at all, but it's a start. it's also very confronting and makes me feel uncomfortable looking at it. it's so bare, and just me, and i don't look super pretty, and you can see all my wrinkles and it's just OUT THERE.
i think it brings together my 2 previously mentioned topics. it's about being a woman, and getting older. i think. i'm still trying to decide. i was thinking about both of those things while i was taking it. there are more at my flickr, if you're interested. putting them on the web is a little bit freaky, not because strangers will see them, but because my dad will. he likes to look at my flickr and this kind of weirds me out, i wish i had never given him the address but i did it before i really got back into photography, so at the time i didn't really think it mattered. it kind of does now though because i don't really share myself with my parents as much as most people probably do. or i assume they do. so yeah, while it's just my face, it's MY face. and i feel like it gives insights into me that i'm not entirely comfortable with my parents having. but oh well. i suppose that is part of the challenge. thankfully neither of my parents have this blog address, nor will they ever!
